waiting to die - where I have been

This year was supposed to be filled with a bunch of joyful first. Although I never get my hopes up because I am fully aware of when you make plans God laughs.

My joyful moments and memories are still joyful, the bad doesn't take away from that.

*First vacation with my boyfriend

*My new job, in my field, opening up a store with a new team

*Moving

*My friends wedding

*Getting invited to all these special occasions

In between all that. I was in so much pain.

From my car accident I still have painful wrist, arm pain to the point that it gets so bad I start to lose all feeling in my arm. Then my neck acts up as well, a blinding pain were I get such bad migraines my eye sight goes.

And in between all that ...

My aunt had to go through brain surgery, which got delayed because of a Covid out break.

Another family member had a aneurysm was found unconscious. Now he is finally basically paralyzed, in rehab. He is a healthy older man, just like my aunt so all of this was sudden and shocking.

My grandpa also used to be sooo healthy but he has parkinson's, and ...

My grandma went into surgery to get tumors removed, but it all came back and the doctors said to make funeral arrangements.

- so I have been back and forth to makesure I spend time with both of them .

Then I get a call...

From my friend saying someone we have known and grew up with had been shot because he was helping someone who had been shot. She survived and he was killed at 26... The funeral was devastating. All these people I grew up with since kindergarten and I have seen them weeks prior to this. We all still live close to each other, they still wave to me when I walk Lola.

I literally saw him 2 weeks prior - he would drive in the area, see me and wave. I am so lucky that my entire class grew up together, and we still see each other in passing, keep in contact, it is a sense of community. We know each others siblings, they remember my mum, brother..

It was my first time dealing with a close death. We were not in contact like crazy, but I did spend a good amount of my life with this person in it.

To know that someone 26.. Has passed doing a good thing, they did not get the chance to live a full life. Have kids, get married, travel, be with his friends and family, grow old. He passed before his times and someone else decided that, someone else thought they could play god.

At the funeral -to see all these people I grew up with and even their parents who I know crying was heartbreaking.

To me it seemed so unfair that all these horrible people- murders, abusive people get a second chance, get to live life without any remorse. Then someone who was just a by stander trying to help a woman who got shot, when ever one else left stopped to help, got shot trying to help and died. Yes, he died a good person and a hero - but death should not have been the price he paid for being a god person.

I am still haunted by all of this, and how his parents, family, friends have to live with this emptiness.

My Grandpa Passing...

The universe did not even give me 3 months to hit me with another death.

Keep in mind threw all of this I am:

*Still trying to find my place and confidence in my job

*Trying to live with my boyfriend - adjust to that

*Moved out for the first time ever! - paying rent

*Trying not to feel guilty about not physically being with my family all the time

* Dealing with my mind - coming to terms with the fact that I am changing

*My pain cause of the accidents

*Coming to terms with my body changing and insecurities

I had been coming home every weekend to see my grandparents, face timing them threw the weekdays. This weekend I came home in October, I didn't rush after the train to see my grandpa. I stayed home and said I would see him on Sunday. But, on Saturday my aunt called my mum, she's calling the ambulance, grandpa is not breathing! ...

We drove so quick as soon as my foot went into his house they recitation him, but he later passed. We didn't get to see him.

This was the person that raised me, he was the head of the family, his mindset was beyond his time, he was patient, understanding, would always listen. My grandpa was my entire life, both my grandparents are. I knew they would pass one day, but never thought they would - if that makes sense?

We thought my grandma would go first - so this was a shock.

To go threw the whole funeral process was crazy - I started to think about the past funeral I went to, for a mother to have to deal with all those funeral plans for her son, instead of mourning is crazy to me.

I am not one to cry, I process things differently. Logically.

I was in charge of the photo PowerPoint and to write a part of the speech. I think that helped me to understand and accept.. My grandpa even though I would love to have him back, he lived such a full life he was able to have kids, get married, buy a home, travel, spend 90 years with his family and wife. - something my friend was not able to do.

He also knew his quality of life was not the same, he used to be so fit and Parkinson's makes you the opposite of that. I truly believed he went cause he was ready to go, he was the type to make sure everyone was okay, and if we were not he would not of left.

My regret ... I wanted to tell him about and introduce him to my boyfriend and tell him about my career advancements. I ended up telling my grandma and she said grandpa would of been happy to know that- she wishes he would of known before he passed... That really made me sad. But, I do believe he knows, like he was there when I had that conversation with my grandma.

Waiting to die

Even when my grandpa was alive I told my family and they agreed, when one passes the other one will shortly after. It is common for older people married to pass at the same time, or around.

My bones were exhausted- I have never been so drained in my life, and I have been threw some shit. For the first time ever, I could feel my bones and they are aching and tired. - It was crazy.

The fear of when will it happen, what if I do not make it there in time -- that is what stresses me out. I got lucky I was home, not at work when my grandpa passed. There are so many what ifs- for my grandma. I want to be there when she passes.

In a nutshell ... thats is kind of what has been happening in my life..

I will write a post about my mental state, my body changes etc...

BUT ... THIS IS WHY I HAVE BEEN MIA ... I feel like a tornado took me and I have been trying to get out while being thrown, pushed around.